Forgivenss in Relationships

Relationships can be tough because people betray. You really can't get away from it. All individuals are tainted with selfishness and self-preservation, and therefore, all will betray. I'll write more on betrayal at another time, but for now, go with me on the fact that all people betray- husband to wife, wife to husband, child to parent, parent to child, friend to friend, etc. It doesn't have to be a big betrayal to qualify as betrayal, like one of the Triple A's- Adultery, Addiction, or Abuse.

Betrayal can be experienced because of neglect, a sharpe tone of voice, a sarcasitic comment, or a unwillingness to resolve conflict.

Now, if you're going to maitain relationships in the midst of betrayal, you're going have to learn how to forgive. Here are two important points that make the act of forgiveness easier, based upon research:

1.) Understanding- If the offended party can make an effort to understand the wrongdoers paradigm for making the bad decision, then forgiveness can be achieved sooner. Effort should be made to understand the wrongdoers situation, possible limited options, efforts, and other limitations. Instead of subjecting the wrongdoer to endless condemnation, the offended person learns how the environment and feelings of injustice developed within the wrongdoer to lead them to their offending choice. They are not off the hook, just better understood. Understanding and the increased capacity to empathize with the offender makes forgivness easier.

2.) Acceptance of Responsibility- When a person is hurt, it is reasonable for that person to expect the wrongdoer to take responsibility for their actions. Forgiveness requires some specific action regarding the responsibility for the injustice that caused the hurt. It is critical (and this is where forgiveness often breaks down) for the offended party to feel that the wrongdoer has taken full responsibility for their actions and that they commit to not repeating the offending action again in the future. It is best if the offended no longer has to hold the offender responsible because the wrongdoer holds him or herself responsible. When this truly takes place, trust can be restored through repeated trustworthy actions by the offender so that the offended can feel secure once more. Sadly, this is often not the case.

A person commits an affair and gets caught. The partners discuss it and the offended gains an understanding of why it happened. The wrongdoer commits to the partner that it's over and that he/she is recommitted. Then... the wrongdoer offends again by hiding emails or an email account, buying a calling card, or not accounting for missing time. The wrongdoer complains that they are being hassled and that their partner hasn't really forgiven them or let it go. But... the offender is not fulfilling their part! They are still breaking trust by not being honest and open. They have not fulfilled their part of the contract that makes forgiveness complete! Both understanding and a commitment to change are needed. The wrongdoer can forgive... and should for their own benefit, but for the relationship to fully recover... for trust and security to be recovered, these two things must be present, understanding and acceptance of responsibility.

(Credit is given to T. Hargrave for his writings on forgiveness.)